No Fear of a Flabby Future

The doctor's unsolicited comment troubled me.

Six years of security down the drain. The truth is, I still am comfortable with and I still love the body I am in...today. But probably not when I get married and have children. Unlike others who are naturally skinny, the doctor noted that I have a large frame (i.e. bones) in a little body. He told me in front of some others that I might 'blow up' when I get pregnant, especially when I reach my 30s. Because of my frame. Because of genetics.

My, how can you fight genetics? I bet my love for running and my no-rice-diet would not be able to cancel the definiteness of genetics.

That unplanned conversation stirred up so many fears in me. Unlike my friend, whom according to the same doctor, would remain skinny whatever she does, his verdict to me was like a curse to my ear. In front of my boss, I blurted out things like, "Oh, so I don't want to get married or have children anymore." The selfish me resurfacing in an unguarded moment. I've not felt insecure in a long time. I was afraid of the future.

It had been a rough and bumpy road toward fully embracing my identity and beauty in Jesus. Even years after entering into a relationship with Him, I would still have frequent bouts of insecurity. I remember during college, in my quest to define my own identity, I would experiment every year over my 'look'. For example, during my third year, I got so obsessed with the goth/emo look. So I cut my bangs, got rid of my bright-colored shirts and replaced them with dark-colored ones, painted my eyes with dark liners, and mastered the blank expression as my default face. I wouldn't smile no matter what.

I was hiding all my insecurities behind my dark liners. I knew back then that it would be futile to try to be beautiful following the world's accepted standards, so I decided to build my own standards. I thought I was doing myself a favor, but it was a lifeless and joyless pursuit. I eventually got convicted that I wasn't reflecting the joy of Jesus in the way I conducted myself. I was a miserable daughter of the King. I was missing out on the joy and glory that were made available for me all along.

God was very patient in establishing my real identity in Jesus. As I walked with Him, I took comfort in God's word and made the decision that His word would be my truth. I would believe whatever He says about me even if people or circumstances would tell me otherwise.

These verses changed my perspective on beauty forever:

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:13-14

Nothing in me was an accident--not the texture of my hair or my heavy hips or my nose or my complexion. Every detail was well thought of, delicately crafted, and intricately put together so that God could come up with someone like me. I was what God wanted. It took me a while to absorb that. God wanted someone to look exactly like me. Therefore, being the best version of myself and blooming in what He designed me to be would definitely give Him pleasure.

This brought me freedom. No longer do I need to hide behind dark liners.
Slowly but surely, I learned to love how God made me and be comfortable and content with how I look.

But then, back to the present. The doctor's comment drained all those learnings. For the next two days, especially when I was idle, I would entertain questions in my mind like, "So God, why did you make me this way? Why do I have to work so hard disciplining myself while others can relax? Isn't that unfair?"

It took a message in Elevate on true identity to address this and remind me of who I am in God's eyes. I was arrested once more by Psalm 139. I am valuable and greatly loved by God. Nothing in me was made randomly or arbitrarily. Every single detail was in place for a reason, including my frame.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Psalm 139:15

Not just that. He created me in such a way that only Him can fully satisfy me. What genius is that! I felt loved more than ever. I wanted to know more and experience more of this love, so that I wouldn't be needy or dependent on anybody else's imperfect love, because my heart can only be completely satisfied in God's perfect love.

For He has satisfied the thirsty soul, and the hungry soul He has filled with what is good. Psalm 107:9

God also impressed in my heart that life isn't about me. I remember, I just wanted a maximum of 2 kids in the future because I was afraid to grow fat or look losyang. But God said if that were my motive, that's very selfish. He designed the family primarily to pass on a godly legacy.

Then I stumbled upon the Proverbs 31 woman again in my quiet time the following day. And this verse just leaped out of the Bible.

What would make a woman unafraid of the future? Not just unafraid, but able to laugh! Just like any other woman, P31W might not have been exempted from flabby arms and thighs. But what was it that made her face the future without fear and even enabled her to laugh? I was curious to death.

Upon reading the whole chapter, I noticed that Proverbs 31 described a life of godly character and service.

Her life wasn't about her.

She lived for what was most important. She lived by loving. She loved by giving. She understood what it meant to work hard and to serve God and her family with her whole heart. She understood that everything she does for God has eternal consequences. And this made serving others come naturally for her.

I must admit, serving [or giving] is very unnatural for me. I usually fail in this area. I always miss opportunities to serve because I have a faulty need-radar and I just don't live my life with a service mindset. I just look out after myself. This is one area that needs intentional training and discipline. But even if I try so hard, I would still end up disappointed over myself. Most of the time, I would cry out to the Lord in frustration for being unable to love and to serve. In one of my prayer times, this was what God impressed in my heart.

You're trying to do things on your own. Just let yourself be filled with my love. Out of that overflow, you'd be able to love and serve others naturally. You don't stop when you fail at loving people. You stand up and try again. You learn loving by practicing.

A life lived out for what's most important and eternal. A heart of selfless service transformed by Jesus. I guess this is what gives the ability to laugh at the future...even if it involves flabby arms and thighs.

Falling Leaves and Love Notes from Heaven

Every woman has an innate desire to be treated in a special way. Even women who appear strong and independent are no exception to this. Women were designed to want to be pursued. Sad to say, most of the time, we seek to fill this desire by many second rate substitutes.

By God's grace, I met the True Lover of my soul 10 years ago. He literally pursued me unto death so that I may have life in Him. He never stopped pursuing me even after entering into a love relationship with Him. In this relationship, I discovered and experienced how satisfying a life with Him could be.

I learned to see God's pursuit of me in everything.

Sometimes, it comes in the form of birds singing early in the morning, clouds covering me from the blazing sun, trees bending creatively along a busy road, the moon and the stars elegantly sketched in the night sky, or a white pelican-looking bird seemingly out of place in the Pasig River. Love notes from heaven, as I call them. This has happened countless times and in many different forms over the years.

God knows how to catch my attention and how to strike a love chord in my heart. This is why I love walking slowly--so I can notice the hand of God in everything and breathe them all in.

My favorite love note from God is that of falling leaves.

There was a time when I was in college, I was so heartbroken that I needed to retreat in a garden in my university. I sat down quietly, read my Bible...and got frustrated because even God's word didn't seem to make sense. 

As I sat still, a sudden gust of wind sent the leaves spiralling down in front of me. The sight of falling leaves reminded me that God sees me. In my heart that afternoon, I knew God was saying, "I know you'd be here so I prepared this for you." The Master Artist crafted that masterpiece for me. I might have blushed for the grandiosity of it for I wasn't used to that kind of treatment. I was heartbroken no more.

One busy morning, before going to the office, I prayed, "Surprise me, Lord. Konting kilig lang today please." Much to my dismay, I was stuck in terrible traffic, in a very hot morning. Plus, the shuttle driver dropped me off to Mega B, instead of Mega A. To top it all off, I forgot my umbrella. I was very irritated at the driver that I slammed the door. As I started walking, I noticed that the side walk was carpeted with yellow flowers from the trees along Mega B. God arranged every detail of that morning for me to see that display of affection. I was too embarrassed for my attitude, especially when the wind caused the flowers to rain down on me. Totally undeserved.

But then there will be times when your heart will run after other things, hoping to be filled with things that do not really satisfy.

Early this year, I felt frustrated and discontented. I've never felt so embittered in my whole life as I think of how it must have delighted God to answer my prayer to allow only one man to pursue me. God challenged me to pray this prayer many years ago. I was apprehensive about it because I was sure it would mean I had to fight my own feelings of insecurity. The world's standards lead us to believe that the number of men pursuing a woman is determinant of her beauty. But not so in God's economy. God was actually inviting me to allow Him to protect me from second best.

However, waiting took its toll on me. My heart was gloomy--as if there was a dark cloud looming over me. For days I asked myself what it was that I really wanted but could not get. When I think about it, a relationship would not satisfy me at the least. If there's something that I really value in being single, it is my independence. The inconvenience of changes and adjustments in entering into a relationship does not attract me even :P I was so confused as I tried to figure out what was wrong.

God patiently walked me through it. He sure knows the hidden curves and edges of my heart.
He showed me that somewhere along the way, I stopped looking to Him for joy and satisfaction. I stopped looking to Him for being pursued and being treated special. I shut off my God-kilig radar. I stopped taking note of how God had been relentlessly pursuing me. I stopped looking to Him as my Lover.

How I missed out on life because the eyes of my heart were shut as He dons my day with expressions of love. I missed out on so much by focusing on what I do not have and what I do not yet have.

By God's grace, I took a U-turn and started walking slowly with Him again, allowing Him to pursue me and sweep me off my feet with His love notes as I used to do. Sometimes the love notes come in the form of peace in the midst of a confusing circumstance, joy in the midst of pain, comfort in a crying spree, strength when I am weak, power when I am afraid. He never runs out of creative ways to keep me in awe of His love.

It's a great blessing to have a God who wants to satisfy us with His love.

The LORD will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. Isaiah 58:11

Celebrate life with God. Take time to intentionally look for His love notes for you and come to Him with a grateful heart, for each one of them is an act of grace.

Be satisfied in Him; for only He can satisfy your deepest desires.

People are searching. Yet the more they try to get, the more they realize how little they really have. No pleasure or happiness is possible without God. Without him, satisfaction is a lost search. Above everything we should strive to know and love God. He gives wisdom, knowledge, and joy. Life apart from God is empty, hollow, and meaningless. - LifeApp

May you be romanced by the King, all the days of your life :)

Whom have I in heaven but You? There is nothing on earth I desire besides You. Psalm 73:26 

You are my Lord; apart from You I have no good thing. Psalm 16:2 

You make known to me the path of life; You fill me with joy in Your presence, with eternal pleasures at Your right hand. Psalm 16:11  

Take delight in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4