No Fear of a Flabby Future

The doctor's unsolicited comment troubled me.

Six years of security down the drain. The truth is, I still am comfortable with and I still love the body I am in...today. But probably not when I get married and have children. Unlike others who are naturally skinny, the doctor noted that I have a large frame (i.e. bones) in a little body. He told me in front of some others that I might 'blow up' when I get pregnant, especially when I reach my 30s. Because of my frame. Because of genetics.

My, how can you fight genetics? I bet my love for running and my no-rice-diet would not be able to cancel the definiteness of genetics.

That unplanned conversation stirred up so many fears in me. Unlike my friend, whom according to the same doctor, would remain skinny whatever she does, his verdict to me was like a curse to my ear. In front of my boss, I blurted out things like, "Oh, so I don't want to get married or have children anymore." The selfish me resurfacing in an unguarded moment. I've not felt insecure in a long time. I was afraid of the future.

It had been a rough and bumpy road toward fully embracing my identity and beauty in Jesus. Even years after entering into a relationship with Him, I would still have frequent bouts of insecurity. I remember during college, in my quest to define my own identity, I would experiment every year over my 'look'. For example, during my third year, I got so obsessed with the goth/emo look. So I cut my bangs, got rid of my bright-colored shirts and replaced them with dark-colored ones, painted my eyes with dark liners, and mastered the blank expression as my default face. I wouldn't smile no matter what.

I was hiding all my insecurities behind my dark liners. I knew back then that it would be futile to try to be beautiful following the world's accepted standards, so I decided to build my own standards. I thought I was doing myself a favor, but it was a lifeless and joyless pursuit. I eventually got convicted that I wasn't reflecting the joy of Jesus in the way I conducted myself. I was a miserable daughter of the King. I was missing out on the joy and glory that were made available for me all along.

God was very patient in establishing my real identity in Jesus. As I walked with Him, I took comfort in God's word and made the decision that His word would be my truth. I would believe whatever He says about me even if people or circumstances would tell me otherwise.

These verses changed my perspective on beauty forever:

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:13-14

Nothing in me was an accident--not the texture of my hair or my heavy hips or my nose or my complexion. Every detail was well thought of, delicately crafted, and intricately put together so that God could come up with someone like me. I was what God wanted. It took me a while to absorb that. God wanted someone to look exactly like me. Therefore, being the best version of myself and blooming in what He designed me to be would definitely give Him pleasure.

This brought me freedom. No longer do I need to hide behind dark liners.
Slowly but surely, I learned to love how God made me and be comfortable and content with how I look.

But then, back to the present. The doctor's comment drained all those learnings. For the next two days, especially when I was idle, I would entertain questions in my mind like, "So God, why did you make me this way? Why do I have to work so hard disciplining myself while others can relax? Isn't that unfair?"

It took a message in Elevate on true identity to address this and remind me of who I am in God's eyes. I was arrested once more by Psalm 139. I am valuable and greatly loved by God. Nothing in me was made randomly or arbitrarily. Every single detail was in place for a reason, including my frame.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Psalm 139:15

Not just that. He created me in such a way that only Him can fully satisfy me. What genius is that! I felt loved more than ever. I wanted to know more and experience more of this love, so that I wouldn't be needy or dependent on anybody else's imperfect love, because my heart can only be completely satisfied in God's perfect love.

For He has satisfied the thirsty soul, and the hungry soul He has filled with what is good. Psalm 107:9

God also impressed in my heart that life isn't about me. I remember, I just wanted a maximum of 2 kids in the future because I was afraid to grow fat or look losyang. But God said if that were my motive, that's very selfish. He designed the family primarily to pass on a godly legacy.

Then I stumbled upon the Proverbs 31 woman again in my quiet time the following day. And this verse just leaped out of the Bible.

What would make a woman unafraid of the future? Not just unafraid, but able to laugh! Just like any other woman, P31W might not have been exempted from flabby arms and thighs. But what was it that made her face the future without fear and even enabled her to laugh? I was curious to death.

Upon reading the whole chapter, I noticed that Proverbs 31 described a life of godly character and service.

Her life wasn't about her.

She lived for what was most important. She lived by loving. She loved by giving. She understood what it meant to work hard and to serve God and her family with her whole heart. She understood that everything she does for God has eternal consequences. And this made serving others come naturally for her.

I must admit, serving [or giving] is very unnatural for me. I usually fail in this area. I always miss opportunities to serve because I have a faulty need-radar and I just don't live my life with a service mindset. I just look out after myself. This is one area that needs intentional training and discipline. But even if I try so hard, I would still end up disappointed over myself. Most of the time, I would cry out to the Lord in frustration for being unable to love and to serve. In one of my prayer times, this was what God impressed in my heart.

You're trying to do things on your own. Just let yourself be filled with my love. Out of that overflow, you'd be able to love and serve others naturally. You don't stop when you fail at loving people. You stand up and try again. You learn loving by practicing.

A life lived out for what's most important and eternal. A heart of selfless service transformed by Jesus. I guess this is what gives the ability to laugh at the future...even if it involves flabby arms and thighs.