The Rahab in Me

It is in the most unworthy of sinners that the grace of God is displayed more brilliantly. - Becoming Beautiful for God

Valentines Day, 2013. I was reading Joshua 5-8 when the story of Rahab struck a chord that had been kept secret in my heart.

Rahab was a recipient of God's grace. She was an innkeeper (and also a prostitute). She lived at the city wall of Jericho. She took the risk of keeping the Israelite spies inside her house, though it would cost her life, because she sensed that the Israelites relied on a God worth trusting.

She turned to God for her salvation, became the wife of Salmon, the mother of Boaz, and an ancestor of King David and Jesus. She was one of the four women listed in the genealogy of Jesus (Matthew 1:5) and one of the two mentioned in the Faith Hall of Fame (Hebrews 11:31).

When the grace of God finds you, it will transform you. 
My God found me. Like Rahab, I am a recipient of God's grace, too.

The things I will share with you are unknown to many. And I never thought God would ask me to bring them into light one day.

At the age of 2 or 3, my eyes were opened to things I didn’t understand then. I was exposed to movies and TV shows that were sexually suggestive. Add up to this my early discovery of what stimulates women.

Deep into pornography I fell as I discovered magazines and CDs in highschool. I thought this sin was harmless. But in reality, sin always affects the people around us. It was at this time that I grew aloof from men and attracted to women.

In college, I came to know Jesus. I accepted him in my life as my Savior and Lord. That started an exciting and intimate love relationship with him. 

I learned that if you love someone, you would naturally do what pleases him/her. 
By reading God’s word, I discovered that purity is very important to God. 

But even in this newfound relationship, the struggle for physical purity did not stop. It actually became increasingly harder in the advent of the Internet coz more and more compromising materials were just one click away. Lustful thoughts would still plague me when awake or in my dreams. Twenty plus years later, the images were still as vivid as when I first saw them.

Since my struggle wasn’t a popular issue among women, I thought that my situation was unique. I was afraid to ask for help because of the reputation that I was protecting. Thus, I fell countless times in a cycle of defeat-repent-defeat. 

I realized that this battle couldn’t be fought alone. I needed God’s power to overcome it and I needed to be accountable to at least one trusted person. 

When I finally stepped out into light, I found out that I wasn’t alone in this. So many women were suffering from the same assault from the enemy.

Physical purity wasn’t my only struggle. The subtler but equally dangerous one has to do with my emotions. I am 24 now and I have never been into a relationship. But there were compromises somewhere here.

I had a friend back in college. From the very beginning, it was clear to both of us that we were just friends. So comfortable we were with each other that I would compete with him, hurt him, and criticize him on his face. And I knew he wouldn’t mind. So comfortable we were that I would let him hold my hands or hug me occasionally. I would even stay and sleep in his dorm in between classes.

People around us naturally teased us because of the way we behave. We didn’t mind discussing these things. We were secure in our friendship, right? 

But then, things changed on my end. I noticed how deep my emotional attachment to him had been. I couldn’t stand not being with him. I couldn’t build close friendships with others. 

I invested my emotions needlessly on someone who wasn't really pursuing me. And it took me 3 years to fully recover from this emotional attachment.

Everyday is a battle for purity. I still fail at times, but by God’s grace, he won’t let me stay where I have fallen. He makes me stand up and engage in battle for purity again. My part is to make a deliberate choice moment by moment, not to look, think, or do things that will compromise my purity.

If your purity had been stained in the past, know that it's okay to seek help and that there is hope. Invite Jesus, the True Lover of your soul, into your life. Find satisfaction in him and do everything to guard your relationship with him because it’s the most important relationship that you will ever have. 

Be careful with your heart. Wait on God's perfect timing.
Choose someone whose first love is God and whose passion is obedience to his word.

I am one whose purity was assaulted by the enemy but was redeemed by Jesus, who is not just my Savior, but Lord over my mind, my heart, my body, and my emotions. 

May my Rahab story give him the glory that is due him, just as he promised,

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me. Psalm 138:8