Always Worth the Wait

We shared the same circle of friends and we both served in the youth ministry, but we didn't like each other. Our days would end with one or the other asking for forgiveness for stepping on each other's toes. So I was surprised that of all people, God would ask me to open my heart for Mikey.

The year started with God giving me this desire to get to know Him more and to seek intimacy with Him. As I got to enjoy and know more of God that year, I also heard Him clearly about His will for my life. He started to work in my heart by correcting my definition of the word 'accomplished'. The real accomplished people in God’s kingdom are those who are totally dependent on Him, allowing God to use their weaknesses to show God’s strength. God reminded me of Mikey, but at that time, I resisted it in my heart.

By September 2013, God started to clarify His will for my life. I was studying the life of Joseph and Mary, and I started to wonder why God would choose Joseph to be the father of Jesus. There was nothing grand about Joseph. He was just a carpenter. One thing stood out for me though: he had a very high regard for God’s word and acted out of obedience no matter the cost. Again, God reminded me of Mikey. By this time, I was already afraid of what God would say next because I could already discern where this was going. In Filipino jargon, nirereto. Everyday I would anticipate that God would correct my understanding of His word. Instead of correcting me, He showed me through His word that He reveals His plans to those whose hearts are ready. Surprisingly, there was an inexpressible peace in my heart.

The only complication was I liked someone else. God was quick to clarify that His will is different from what I want at the moment. He asked me to surrender my preference to Him and allow Him to choose for me and to trust that His choice is the best for me. With much struggle, I surrendered my will to God’s will and trusted Him to work things out. I prayed for God to change my heart towards Mikey and to let me see him the way God sees him—not who he is now but who he can become in the future.

However, I still couldn’t comprehend why God would tell me these things beforehand. Everyday I would ask Him if I understood Him right. And every single day, for that whole month, He would patiently assure me through His word that I heard Him right and He would not change His mind. One night as I was on my way home, I asked Him in my heart, “God, is this even possible?” When I had my devotion that night, my verse was, “With God, nothing is impossible.” By this time, I committed to God that I would choose to do His will, reserve myself for Mikey, and wait for him to act.

Mikey and I were slowly becoming good friends but he wasn't dropping hints of pursuing me. It took two more years of waiting and trusting God. These have been the most productive years of my life. I was able to spend time with my family and serve God with undivided devotion, time, and energy in my work and in the youth ministry. Looking back, God used these years of waiting to change my heart and to prepare me, in skills and in character. He also used it to build my friendship with Mikey and learn how to treat him with kindness and respect. He used it to mature both of us and to make us ready for His will.

Mikey had his own journey with God. Hearing it for the first time last December 2015 was really a blessing. It amazes me that God could talk to two people who weren’t even talking to each other! Everything God taught me was connected and consistent with what He was telling Mikey. It was also a blessing that we were able to involve our parents and authorities in the process and share the joy of our journey with them.

God-willing, Mikey and I will get married by December this year. Please pray for us as we embark on a new journey of waiting and trusting. Now we are a team as we walk on water with Jesus!

One Step Forward

For one month, I was quarantined for chickenpox. 

While my friends were already applying and getting hired, I was forced to rest in isolation after grad. During this waiting period, God assured me that He was already going before me and preparing the way for me.

Do not be terrified...the LORD your God is going before you. Deuteronomy 1:30
The LORD your God, who went ahead of you on your journey...to show you the way you should go. Deuteronomy 1:32

I felt excited about that promise.

Even before my scars healed completely, I already jumped in to the hiring wagon. 
There I realized that getting a good job wasn't that easy. School glamour could not be an asset for long. For another month, no replies, no phone calls. Closed doors, but still, God said, wait on Him (Isaiah 40:31).

I had a friend who was an HR assistant in CCF back in 2009. She urged me to apply as an admin assistant. Out of courtesy, I said I would try (without meaning it, hehe). I had no plans of working in a church even if I was a certified CCF baby!

Edna told me that there's an opening in CCF Main. Admin Assistant for the Office of the Senior Pastor. I don't want that. I don't think it is commensurate to my education. (July 1, 2009)

My journey started from this [unpublished] journal entry 4 years ago.

In one of my prayer times, an impression frequented my heart. Lose yourself in God's will. Die to yourself as you follow Jesus. 

Excuse me? I wanted to go corpo. I wanted to achieve and acquire. 
Thus, CCF was never an option. 

But then God was telling me that if I keep my eyes shut to [his] possibilities, I might be missing out on God's best. 

 

What if full-time ministry is what God calls me to do? Am I willing to surrender my ambitions to give way to God's will?

Self-denial has to do primarily with my will. It is a willingness to say 'yes' to the Lordship of Jesus in my life, to do what he asks of me to the best of my ability even if I have made other plans.

"Follow me." This involves keeping my eyes on him, walking where he leads, and obeying him moment by moment. I have no idea where he will lead me. Yet it isn't as important for me to know the path or even the destination as to know WHO I am following. He whom I follow knows the way. My responsibility is simply to follow. (July 8, 2009)

With an unclear vision of what lies ahead, I took step one. I submitted my application form to CCF's HR Dept. Whether or not I'd be hired and whether or not I'd stay here for good were still way beyond that single step.

I got hired as a contractual worker for 6 months.

Fast forward to January 2010. My contract was expiring and I had to decide whether or not I wanted to be processed for regularization. I was torn between two options.

On one hand, I wanted to explore things outside CCF. My parents wanted the same for me.

I wanted a job that everyone would look up to. For 6 months, I did my best to avoid my college/high school friends for fear that they would discover my job and how much money I was making. And then a major plus sign here: my brothers needed financial support for college.

On the other hand, I loved my job. It was a fulfilling mixture of everything I was passionate about. I got to explore writing, editing, arts, and research. It was a very comfortable place to work in and my superiors were closely monitoring and mentoring me.

If not for pride, I would never leave this job. Even if I don't get paid, I would still do this.

Here, Passion finally met me.

So I saw that there is nothing better for a man than to enjoy his work, because that is his lot. Ecclesiastes 3:22

I was set to do his will. As a general rule, if it was really God's will, his still small voice, the peace in my heart, my authorities, and my circumstances should all be aligned.

But my ultimate authority is his word. For the record, God always answered me whenever I ask for clarity. He never left me confused when I wait on him.

One time, while seated in front of the fx, I started talking to God in my heart.

If I stay in CCF, sayang naman pinag-aralan ko. Sayang naman scholarship ko. Para san pa ang pagiging Atenista ko?

Shameless, I know. But I got the shock of my life when he did answer me.

I was the one who gave you those gifts. They were undeserved but I chose to give them to you anyway. Don't you think all these things had been prepared for you so you'd be effective in what I called you to do?
But God, this kind of job...anybody can do it.
Don't you think I deserve excellence?
Syempre naman.
Do you think you can give what I deserve?
I guess so. I want to.
Then, why not in CCF?

Conversation-ender. Why not in CCF? That question lingered for two more weeks. I tried to assess why I hesitated in the first place. One word: insecurity. I was insecure because of my job description and payslip.

Funny how God answered all my concerns.

I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you... Isaiah 46:4
I am the LORD your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go. Isaiah 48:17
He said to me, "You are my servant, in whom I will display my splendor." But I said, "I have labored to no purpose; I have spent my strength in vain and for nothing. Yet what is due me is in the LORD's hand, and my reward is with my God." Isaiah 49:3-4
They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything--all she had to live on." Mark 12:44

A woman who is secure in her identity has this same true freedom to serve others in love. She can perform any task, no matter how humble, and still maintain self-confidence, because her self-esteem is not dependent on her rank and position.

Hehe, I couldn't believe I even prayed this:

God, I don't want to be an executive assistant in the future. Please, please, lead me to the right place and right position. (Feb 26, 2010)

To which his answer was:

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8-9

In other words, he was telling me he knew better. My wisdom is no match to his.

At the end of two weeks, it became clear. During this process, my parents were also praying for God's will. I was surprised to discover that God was teaching them the same thing: He knows what is best for me and when he asks us to do something, he will provide for us. That Saturday morning, my parents prayed for and gave me their blessing to continue working in CCF.

My circumstances sealed what has already been made known to me. I passed my panel interviews and psych test, got past my proby period, and got regularized. And wonder of all wonders, after 1 year, I became an executive assistant--what I prayed not to be.

Executive Assistant, Office of the Senior Pastor

But then, I learned to love my job. I would not trade it for anything.

God, as my Great Shepherd, knows what I need. He takes care of my brothers' college expenses by providing a sponsor who is willing to let them study wherever they wanted.

He takes care of my daily needs. I am well-fed, well-paid, and well-affirmed.

When I feel discouraged, God provides encouragement.

I have a boss who always tells me how much he appreciates me and reminds me that even if I work behind the scenes, my job impacts thousands, even hundreds of thousands for Jesus. I have teammates who are also my personal cheering squad, hehe.

It is still a mystery to me how God can use failed human beings such as us, in all our weaknesses and limitations, for his plans and purposes. But if he can use me where I am, he can use you, too.

Take heart! Be faithful to what God has entrusted to you because only you can do that for him. No other person can fill that place which God chiseled out especially for you.

Enjoy where the Master has stationed you in life. And bloom where you are planted :)