The Rahab in Me

It is in the most unworthy of sinners that the grace of God is displayed more brilliantly. - Becoming Beautiful for God

Valentines Day, 2013. I was reading Joshua 5-8 when the story of Rahab struck a chord that had been kept secret in my heart.

Rahab was a recipient of God's grace. She was an innkeeper (and also a prostitute). She lived at the city wall of Jericho. She took the risk of keeping the Israelite spies inside her house, though it would cost her life, because she sensed that the Israelites relied on a God worth trusting.

She turned to God for her salvation, became the wife of Salmon, the mother of Boaz, and an ancestor of King David and Jesus. She was one of the four women listed in the genealogy of Jesus (Matthew 1:5) and one of the two mentioned in the Faith Hall of Fame (Hebrews 11:31).

When the grace of God finds you, it will transform you. 
My God found me. Like Rahab, I am a recipient of God's grace, too.

The things I will share with you are unknown to many. And I never thought God would ask me to bring them into light one day.

At the age of 2 or 3, my eyes were opened to things I didn’t understand then. I was exposed to movies and TV shows that were sexually suggestive. Add up to this my early discovery of what stimulates women.

Deep into pornography I fell as I discovered magazines and CDs in highschool. I thought this sin was harmless. But in reality, sin always affects the people around us. It was at this time that I grew aloof from men and attracted to women.

In college, I came to know Jesus. I accepted him in my life as my Savior and Lord. That started an exciting and intimate love relationship with him. 

I learned that if you love someone, you would naturally do what pleases him/her. 
By reading God’s word, I discovered that purity is very important to God. 

But even in this newfound relationship, the struggle for physical purity did not stop. It actually became increasingly harder in the advent of the Internet coz more and more compromising materials were just one click away. Lustful thoughts would still plague me when awake or in my dreams. Twenty plus years later, the images were still as vivid as when I first saw them.

Since my struggle wasn’t a popular issue among women, I thought that my situation was unique. I was afraid to ask for help because of the reputation that I was protecting. Thus, I fell countless times in a cycle of defeat-repent-defeat. 

I realized that this battle couldn’t be fought alone. I needed God’s power to overcome it and I needed to be accountable to at least one trusted person. 

When I finally stepped out into light, I found out that I wasn’t alone in this. So many women were suffering from the same assault from the enemy.

Physical purity wasn’t my only struggle. The subtler but equally dangerous one has to do with my emotions. I am 24 now and I have never been into a relationship. But there were compromises somewhere here.

I had a friend back in college. From the very beginning, it was clear to both of us that we were just friends. So comfortable we were with each other that I would compete with him, hurt him, and criticize him on his face. And I knew he wouldn’t mind. So comfortable we were that I would let him hold my hands or hug me occasionally. I would even stay and sleep in his dorm in between classes.

People around us naturally teased us because of the way we behave. We didn’t mind discussing these things. We were secure in our friendship, right? 

But then, things changed on my end. I noticed how deep my emotional attachment to him had been. I couldn’t stand not being with him. I couldn’t build close friendships with others. 

I invested my emotions needlessly on someone who wasn't really pursuing me. And it took me 3 years to fully recover from this emotional attachment.

Everyday is a battle for purity. I still fail at times, but by God’s grace, he won’t let me stay where I have fallen. He makes me stand up and engage in battle for purity again. My part is to make a deliberate choice moment by moment, not to look, think, or do things that will compromise my purity.

If your purity had been stained in the past, know that it's okay to seek help and that there is hope. Invite Jesus, the True Lover of your soul, into your life. Find satisfaction in him and do everything to guard your relationship with him because it’s the most important relationship that you will ever have. 

Be careful with your heart. Wait on God's perfect timing.
Choose someone whose first love is God and whose passion is obedience to his word.

I am one whose purity was assaulted by the enemy but was redeemed by Jesus, who is not just my Savior, but Lord over my mind, my heart, my body, and my emotions. 

May my Rahab story give him the glory that is due him, just as he promised,

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me. Psalm 138:8

One Step Forward

For one month, I was quarantined for chickenpox. 

While my friends were already applying and getting hired, I was forced to rest in isolation after grad. During this waiting period, God assured me that He was already going before me and preparing the way for me.

Do not be terrified...the LORD your God is going before you. Deuteronomy 1:30
The LORD your God, who went ahead of you on your journey...to show you the way you should go. Deuteronomy 1:32

I felt excited about that promise.

Even before my scars healed completely, I already jumped in to the hiring wagon. 
There I realized that getting a good job wasn't that easy. School glamour could not be an asset for long. For another month, no replies, no phone calls. Closed doors, but still, God said, wait on Him (Isaiah 40:31).

I had a friend who was an HR assistant in CCF back in 2009. She urged me to apply as an admin assistant. Out of courtesy, I said I would try (without meaning it, hehe). I had no plans of working in a church even if I was a certified CCF baby!

Edna told me that there's an opening in CCF Main. Admin Assistant for the Office of the Senior Pastor. I don't want that. I don't think it is commensurate to my education. (July 1, 2009)

My journey started from this [unpublished] journal entry 4 years ago.

In one of my prayer times, an impression frequented my heart. Lose yourself in God's will. Die to yourself as you follow Jesus. 

Excuse me? I wanted to go corpo. I wanted to achieve and acquire. 
Thus, CCF was never an option. 

But then God was telling me that if I keep my eyes shut to [his] possibilities, I might be missing out on God's best. 

 

What if full-time ministry is what God calls me to do? Am I willing to surrender my ambitions to give way to God's will?

Self-denial has to do primarily with my will. It is a willingness to say 'yes' to the Lordship of Jesus in my life, to do what he asks of me to the best of my ability even if I have made other plans.

"Follow me." This involves keeping my eyes on him, walking where he leads, and obeying him moment by moment. I have no idea where he will lead me. Yet it isn't as important for me to know the path or even the destination as to know WHO I am following. He whom I follow knows the way. My responsibility is simply to follow. (July 8, 2009)

With an unclear vision of what lies ahead, I took step one. I submitted my application form to CCF's HR Dept. Whether or not I'd be hired and whether or not I'd stay here for good were still way beyond that single step.

I got hired as a contractual worker for 6 months.

Fast forward to January 2010. My contract was expiring and I had to decide whether or not I wanted to be processed for regularization. I was torn between two options.

On one hand, I wanted to explore things outside CCF. My parents wanted the same for me.

I wanted a job that everyone would look up to. For 6 months, I did my best to avoid my college/high school friends for fear that they would discover my job and how much money I was making. And then a major plus sign here: my brothers needed financial support for college.

On the other hand, I loved my job. It was a fulfilling mixture of everything I was passionate about. I got to explore writing, editing, arts, and research. It was a very comfortable place to work in and my superiors were closely monitoring and mentoring me.

If not for pride, I would never leave this job. Even if I don't get paid, I would still do this.

Here, Passion finally met me.

So I saw that there is nothing better for a man than to enjoy his work, because that is his lot. Ecclesiastes 3:22

I was set to do his will. As a general rule, if it was really God's will, his still small voice, the peace in my heart, my authorities, and my circumstances should all be aligned.

But my ultimate authority is his word. For the record, God always answered me whenever I ask for clarity. He never left me confused when I wait on him.

One time, while seated in front of the fx, I started talking to God in my heart.

If I stay in CCF, sayang naman pinag-aralan ko. Sayang naman scholarship ko. Para san pa ang pagiging Atenista ko?

Shameless, I know. But I got the shock of my life when he did answer me.

I was the one who gave you those gifts. They were undeserved but I chose to give them to you anyway. Don't you think all these things had been prepared for you so you'd be effective in what I called you to do?
But God, this kind of job...anybody can do it.
Don't you think I deserve excellence?
Syempre naman.
Do you think you can give what I deserve?
I guess so. I want to.
Then, why not in CCF?

Conversation-ender. Why not in CCF? That question lingered for two more weeks. I tried to assess why I hesitated in the first place. One word: insecurity. I was insecure because of my job description and payslip.

Funny how God answered all my concerns.

I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you... Isaiah 46:4
I am the LORD your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go. Isaiah 48:17
He said to me, "You are my servant, in whom I will display my splendor." But I said, "I have labored to no purpose; I have spent my strength in vain and for nothing. Yet what is due me is in the LORD's hand, and my reward is with my God." Isaiah 49:3-4
They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything--all she had to live on." Mark 12:44

A woman who is secure in her identity has this same true freedom to serve others in love. She can perform any task, no matter how humble, and still maintain self-confidence, because her self-esteem is not dependent on her rank and position.

Hehe, I couldn't believe I even prayed this:

God, I don't want to be an executive assistant in the future. Please, please, lead me to the right place and right position. (Feb 26, 2010)

To which his answer was:

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8-9

In other words, he was telling me he knew better. My wisdom is no match to his.

At the end of two weeks, it became clear. During this process, my parents were also praying for God's will. I was surprised to discover that God was teaching them the same thing: He knows what is best for me and when he asks us to do something, he will provide for us. That Saturday morning, my parents prayed for and gave me their blessing to continue working in CCF.

My circumstances sealed what has already been made known to me. I passed my panel interviews and psych test, got past my proby period, and got regularized. And wonder of all wonders, after 1 year, I became an executive assistant--what I prayed not to be.

Executive Assistant, Office of the Senior Pastor

But then, I learned to love my job. I would not trade it for anything.

God, as my Great Shepherd, knows what I need. He takes care of my brothers' college expenses by providing a sponsor who is willing to let them study wherever they wanted.

He takes care of my daily needs. I am well-fed, well-paid, and well-affirmed.

When I feel discouraged, God provides encouragement.

I have a boss who always tells me how much he appreciates me and reminds me that even if I work behind the scenes, my job impacts thousands, even hundreds of thousands for Jesus. I have teammates who are also my personal cheering squad, hehe.

It is still a mystery to me how God can use failed human beings such as us, in all our weaknesses and limitations, for his plans and purposes. But if he can use me where I am, he can use you, too.

Take heart! Be faithful to what God has entrusted to you because only you can do that for him. No other person can fill that place which God chiseled out especially for you.

Enjoy where the Master has stationed you in life. And bloom where you are planted :)

Collecting Family Memories

Who you are at home is who you really are.

The home is where, when all your masks are down, your true colors show. So if you are very gentle, kind, and thoughtful to your friends, but rough, rude, and inconsiderate to your parents and sibs, alam na. You are who you are to them.

I think it was my boss who said this: "When you go home, remind yourself that you are meeting the most important people in your life." In other words, we've got to save our best attitude for our family members.

Next to God, they are my priority. Since I really did not have a deep relationship with them to start with, I'm down to step one. Build relationship.

Building relationship with our family requires investment in time, energy, emotions, and money.
For me, this meant: revamping my schedule, choosing family time above everything else, cutting down on activities so I can be available and able when they need me, giving gifts, treating them special, watching my words and actions, expressing how much I love them, asking for forgiveness when I cause them pain, spending time individually, and praying for them.

Just recently, God impressed in my heart to take my whole family out to celebrate and share my joy over my pf bonus and raise. While praying for the meal, God said to me in His still, small voice: "You sure enjoy this, huh? Why not do it every Sunday? Ikaw taya."

Ako taya! If you just know how mindful I am with the use of my money, hahaha. I am one who keeps receipts and takes note of every expense.

Let's do the Math, Lord. We're six in the family and I have three barako brothers...

I stopped there. God reminded me that I can never out-give Him.
And since this investment is an eternal one, it will have a lasting impact.

Our very first, at Greenwich

Chowking, my attempt to cut down the cost, hehe

Hainanese Delights, unli-rice!!

Tapsi ni Vivian during Fathers' Day

Karate Kid, unli-rice!!

Shakey's, find the hidden Mickey :)

The Bacolod Chicken Band

Bacolod Chicken, unli-rice, wala silang choice!

It's been three months since we first did this.
God is faithful and generous. When He tells me to do something, He surely provides for it!

Our Sunday Night Out (SNO) is something my family and I look forward to every weekend. 

No agenda. Just eat and talk and laugh. The sky is the limit. 

And they all know the rule: we go where the unli-rice is.